WELCOME TO THIS ONCE IN A LIFETIME EVENT (but hopefully you'll come back and read it more than once, that'd be cool). Any ways, this is an especially DOPE hit for you and yours, so puff puff pass this joint.
Recently my boy Steakz Johnson (names protected for the innocent) got a job with the WWE. Along with his expertise, I have devised the the most incredible wrastling match you have ever seen. I couldn't come up with a name until now...so without further ado:
LIVE FROM YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN (and every where else you read this):
THE STONERS DEN!!!
THEME MUSIC FOR THE NIGHT: Otis by Jay- Z and Kanye West (no reason other than it's the DOPEST song out, and this is the DOPEST event)
"I WANNA BE FAMOUS" Ladder Match
Jojo Simmons (Music: Diggy's Mixtape)
vs
Trey Smith (Music: Whip My Hair by Willow Smith)
These two unsuccessful siblings collide in a ladder match...a bout that will surely leave the winner still not famous and still not living up to their father's expectations. That's why this is the first match, most of you came late and missed it.
BRA and PANTIES and STD Matchfor the DEEP THROAT TITLE BELT
Super Head (Music: How Many Licks by Lil' Kim)
vs
Kat Stacks (Music: Superman by Soulja Boy)
Guest Referee: Soulja Boy
Who gives better head? Whose fucked more dudes in the industry? Who has more trips to the free clinic? IT DOESN'T MATTER as these two SUPER HOES fight for the title!
LUCK OF THE DRAW Hardcore Match
Plaxico Burress (Music: Who Shot Ya by Biggie Smalls)
vs
Dick Cheyney (Music: Cheyney's Got A Gun (Remix)
One shot himself. The other his friend. One served time and the other is a white guy. But tonight, they go head to head in this duel in a NO-HOLDS BAR hardcore match. No guns will be allowed in the match for the safety of the fans.
BATTLE OF LOS ANGELES: SUBMISSION MATCH
The Williams Sisters (Music: Straight Outta Compton by NWA)
vs
The Kardashians (Music: California Girls by Katy Perry)
Compton vs Hollywood. Black vs Persian. Ass vs Ass. In this match, we will see which sisters really rule the streets of Los Angeles in this match. My money is on the Williams, them Kardashian girls got a thing for athletes. Everyone fights in cat suits. Except that fat Kardashian. She has to wear a sweatsuit.
SLOPPY SECONDS MIXED TAGGED MATCH
Wiz Khalifa and Amber Rose (Music: Gold Digger by Kanye West)
vs
Nick Lachey and Vanessa Milano (Music: I Think I'm In Love With You by Jessica Simpson)
Who said one man's trash is another man's treasure? Clearly these people. In this SLOPPY SECONDS match, we will see why you should have never left the first, more famous and successful and wealthier and talented person.
TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET MATCH
Phillip Banks (Music: Rub You The Right Way by Johnny Gill)
vs
Carl Winslow (Music: Tooty Fruity by Little Richard)
Guest Commentator: R. Kelly
Two of the greatest black fathers on TV that are really "happy" in real life. In this ALL OUT BRAWL we will crown our favorite gay father figure once and for all as they must fight their way out of this closet. R. Kelly will sing his commentary.
CAREER FALLS ANYWHERE HANDICAP MATCH
Puff Daddy/Puffy/P. Diddy/ Sean Combs (Music: Bad Boy 4 Life by P. Diddy)
vs
Shyne/Da Band/Danity Kane/DREAM (Music: The Big Payback by James Brown)
A match for the ages in which Bad Boy Mogul and Miser Diddy takes on all those he has scorned in this fight to the finish. But beware, the loser not only loses the match but they get no royalties and some jail time.
CATCH ME IF YOU CAN
TRIPLE THREAT
HELL IN A CELL MATCH
TRIPLE THREAT
HELL IN A CELL MATCH
OJ Simpson (Music: Low Down Dirty Shame by Evelyn "Champagne" King
vs
Casey Anthony (Music: Brenda's Got a Baby by Tupac)
vs
Laura Bush (Grove Street Party by Wacka Flacka Flame)
The courts might have acquitted them but TONIGHT, only one will walk away from the people they killed. And yes, Laura Bush killed a guy. Google it.
HANDICAP MATCH
Anne Frank (Music: Crossroads by Bone Thugs n Harmony)
vs
Hellen Keller (Music: None)
MAIN EVENT
Last Man Standing Match
Erving 'Magic' Johnson (Music: Beat It by Michael Jackson)
vs
The Green Monkey (You've Got Aids by The Family Guy Barber Shop Quartet)
What happens when the irresistible force meets the unmoveable object? When the cause meets the cure? Tonight we will find out as only one man can leave this ring alive. The truth is revealed....TONIGHT!
Who wins tonight...that's up to you. I'm just tryna get paid.
SmH... Handicap match sir? LoL why?
ReplyDeleteIf I booked the finishes:
ReplyDeleteJojo Simmons def. Trey Smith after Jojo's goons rush the ring and attack Trey.
Kat Stacks def. Superhead via a roll-up (insert your own joke here)
Dick Cheyney and Plaxico Burress go to a no-contest as both men sneak guns into the ring and shoot each other.
The Kardashians def. The Williams Sisters. Serena Williams takes out Kourtney and Kim, but as she attempts to return to the ring, Kris Jendashian hits Serena with a tennis racket. Khloe hits Venus with a banzai drop.
Khalifa/Rose def. Lachey/Milano (smh) after Rose nails Lachey with a headbutt. I couldn't think of anything ironic to say here.
Carl Winslow def. Phillip Banks with a splash from the top rope (he lost weight but he's still fatter than Uncle Phil right now). Carl and R.Kelly...err...celebrate after the match...the match...the match *R.Kelly voice*
Bad Boy Victims def. Diddy.
Diddy has his bodyguards take out everyone but Shyne. Shyne is blinded by a shot of Ciroc to the eyes (Diddy says "take that take that" as he does that). Diddy's on the offense most of the match until he makes a mistake and allows Shyne enough time to recover and hit a GTS (youtube it) to win and earn everybody's royalties back...unfortunately, Shyne is then immediate deported.
O.J. def. Casey & Laura...why not? He got away with taking out white women before.
Anne Frank and Helen Keller went to a no contest after both accidently ran into each other, fell down a flight of stairs and started screaming inaudibly. Everyone laughed.
Magic Johnson def. The Green Monkey after viciously attacking the monkey with an ax. Uncharacteristic? Think about all the misery caused by HIV and how Magic Johnson turned into the punchline of extremely tasteless jokes. 20 years of hell. Plus, he hasn't actually had HIV since 1996 (THE CURE IS MONEY, PEOPLE). He'll go into a fit of rage after not being able to keep the monkey down for a 10 count. After the attack, he'll immediately smile, say "I sahhy" (his way of phonetically pronouncing I'm sorry) and all will forgive him. Wanna know why? CUZ HE'S MAGIC FUCKIN JOHNSON!