The Marriage... LEASE?

What’s good Dope Fiends?

So I see that my colleagues, Mr. Et Cetra and Mr. Grab It had a discussion about marriage and I was not included because I’m a “dick”.

Here’s what really happened…

You know how on a lot of workplace TV shows there’s always an episode where Person A will go to an event/meeting that the Boss put together. The Boss will approach Person A and say, “Hey Person A. Nice tie. Have you seen Person B?”

Person A: “No, Boss. I haven’t. I guess Person B didn’t care enough about your event to come.” Or some smartass comment like that.

Person B will then rush in at the last minute and reveal to the Boss that Person A lied about the details or never told them about the event. Person A is, in the end, exposed as a selfish jerk who only wanted to make Person B look bad in order to get ahead…

Hi, I’m Person B.

And Ric and Reg are Person A. They suck so bad that it takes two of them to make one Person.

And although they suck, I do admit that the topic of marriage is a good one to talk about. Here are my thoughts…

DISCLAIMER: I did not read Ric and Reg’s entry. Why? Because that shit was long as fuck. So forgive me if I repeat some ideas/thoughts.

I hate when I hear women talk about they wanna get married by a certain age.

Wait a second, Troo! There are some men who wanna get married by a certain age too!

Yes. Once again Person-who-shouts-in-italics, you are correct. However, as a heterosexual male, I’m only giving a damn about how women think/feel about marriage. As I plan on marrying a woman.

Yes, yes. Despite what you’re about to read, I do plan on getting married SOMEDAY.

“SOMEDAY”. Is that a terrible word, ladies, when we’re talking about marriage? Why is it that you HAVE TO be married before you turn 30 or 35? And you HAVE TO have your first child with your husband by age 28, 32, or whatever…

How about… I WANNA GET MARRIED WHEN I’M READY or I WANNA GET MARRIED WHEN I FIND THE RIGHT PERSON.

As much as you want to get married and have 2 little kids with good hair by the time you’re 33. You might not be ready until you’re 35. And that’s not a bad thing.

My fear is that women aren’t taking marriage as seriously as it should be taken. When you’re married, you’re with that person forever.

Forever? Forever, ever? Forever, ever?

That’s a long ass time to be with someone. And think about all the times you did something for YOURSELF just because YOU wanted to. When you’re married, there is no YOU. It’s Y’ALL. And remember, it’s gonna be Y’ALL…

FOR-EV-ER… FOR-EV-ER… FOR-EV-ER...

Or does it?

In this country, where more than half or marriages end in divorce, I think we should take a new/different approach to marriage. Marriage should not be contract!

It should be a lease!

Uh… Troo…

Yeah, I said it! It had to be said!

Think about it. You and your fiancée sign a marriage lease for, let’s say, 10 years. For those 10 years, you’re married. Then once you hit that 10 year point, Y’ALL can decide to renew that lease for another 10 years or more, or Y’ALL can be like, “You know what… I don’t think YOU, ME, this US thing is working out. I, uh, think Imma not renew this thing. Deuces.”

Hey… It wouldn’t be a divorce. And it’s not like I’m saying we should get rid of traditional marriage. I’m just saying that this should be an option. Hell, you could get a marriage lease and then decide midway through…

“Hey forget this lease thing! Let’s get married and… MAKE IT LAST FOREVER. FOREVER!”

That’s what we, in the real estate world, like to call Rent-to-Own.

Thoughts?

When Single Guys Talk About Getting Married...

I'd like to think this entry between Ricochet and Mr. Et Cetera started like an episode of Law and Order.

The following blog entry is fictional, except where it is completely real. And does not depict any actual persons or events, except where actual events and people are depicted. Names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent. 

In the Dopest Blog Name Ever, the entries are written by three separate yet not so equally important people: Troo Alquemist, Regular Et Cetera, and Ricochet Grab It. These are their stories... 


Everyone's except Troo's, who didn't contribute because he's a dick.

(DUM DUM)

Regular Et Cetera: I have very limited exposure to single or divorced mothers. Unless you count me trying to have sex with them.

Ricochet Grab It: Hmm, that seemed unwarranted and out of context. Do you think that you're ever going to get married? Better question. Do you think you would ever get divorced?

I think I kinda would like to get married. Seems like a good idea. I definitely don't want to get divorced.

You think you kinda want to get married, what the hell does that mean?

Well I do, just not right now so, kinda but, actually not kinda, well yes I do. I'd like to have a wife. What about you?

I want to get married. Twice. One time has to be a wild night in Vegas, with all my friends Klondike Bar wasted. I don't really care who I marry, some stranger perhaps, I just want to get the first marriage out the way.

How many girls have you dated that you thought you could possibly marry?

Well, I don't think there is just one person you can marry. And honestly, I haven't had a lot of serious relationships. So I would say 1, 1.5 girls.

What the fuck does "I don't think there is one person that you can marry" mean? Also, it doesn't matter if you were seriously dating them or not.

I don't think marriage is as much about love as it is making it work. It's cool if you really love each other and like eachother. Honestly, I don't ever think of the "rest of my life" when I think about marrying someone. I'm a pretty easy going guy so I feel there are a lot of woman I could successfully marry.

You know what's crazy, I think about that shit with most women. Any woman I've ever kissed, I've probably imagined being married to. I don't know why, I just do. It usually flashes into my mind's eye like those scenes in the movies where someone is about to die in a car accident. The longer I'm dating a lady the more long term daydreams I create, or day-nightmares... Is that a word?

That's what I'm saying. For example, I was never serious about TOPANGA but I often thought that she would make a good wife. She has a lot going for her, the sex was good, communication was effective...given enough time I'm sure we could have fell in love.

You know whats crazy, I constantly thought about GINA being my wife. Given, she was always a horrible mean, extra-mean, like really really mean, Cruella Deville kind of wife. And I'd be in the dream thinking "Why did i do this WHYYYYYY?!!!" The answer of course was always sex. I'm saying though we did have some incredible sex, and she was pretty cool usually. I just felt like she would go criminally sour one day and I'd just be stuck with a villain for a wife. That's usually when I'd snap back to reality and see sweet sweet GINA sucking my dick like some kind of sexy demon and I'd be all like, "What was I saying again? Who carrrrrrrrr...."

Yeah, GINA was something. I mean I don't know personally, but I heard about it. I can only speak for me, but marriage isn't the ultimate goal for me in life, so I think it's impossible for me to actually fail at it. I'm sure that's when it hurts the most; when you've spent your entire life thinking about the one person you would marry, you've planned the wedding down to the perfume you're going to wear on that beautiful day...and then two divorces later, you're ready to tie that knot into a noose around your neck.

How confident of you. Seeing as I've failed almost religiously in almost every relationship I've ever been in, I'm not quite on your level of thinking I'm going to do well in it.

You really failed RELIGIOUSLY with PAM. Did you ever think you were going to marry HER?

Oh my god that shit was RELIGIOUS for real!!! Epic relationship failure!

But yea man, I used to do it all the time. I probably still would if things hadn't happened the way they did. Thank you sweet baby black Jesus for getting me out of that one. Mighta ended up being murdered in my sleep or something... But got damnit I loved that crazy girl.

I know she isn't the most attractive but I've thought about marrying ANGELA. I'm thinking I've got to put myself in the best possible situation, and she wants to be a doctor, or lawyer, or something like that.

Plus ANGELA was so cool man: and she more than likely wasn't gonna end up getting fat either. I know I think about that too.  Looking at a girl like, "are you going to transform into some kind giant behemoth wife?" 


*shivers*

Yea, that's what's pretty sweet about Africans (sigh). Anyway, do you ever think about a specific race you wanna marry? Because I often think African or Carribaen... you know, niggas wit a sense of culture.

I'm fairly partial to the human race these days.

So here's a good question. Have you ever thought about what kind of family your wife would come from...what is your ideal situation?

The ideal situation would be if she had a mother and father who were married, stayed married, are black, and possibly... wealthy? So basically, any of Cliff Huxtable's daughters.

That sounds good. But I want a woman from a broken home, as long as she never did hardcore porn (if it's softcore, I might make an exception) or stripped anywhere I've been. I like that whole "us against the world" motif.

(DUM DUM)

White women?

I've dated white women and have thought about marrying them. I wouldn't rule it out but I also wouldn't bet on it. It's like, part of spirit my memory that remember slavery will only let my white relationships go but so far. My inner Nat Turner if you will, killing all the white I like. I'd like to think Mufasa is the voice of my conscience and he keeps saying to me while videos of Roots and the OJ trial play (he was in both) REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE! So I Just don't see it.

I don't think I could marry a white woman... I don't necessarily think it would be difficult being married to one, I just can't see myself getting Tiger Woods'd.

So Mr. Single Guy, why do you think marriages fail?

I think it fails because people don't really get that it is a contract between you and another person that you will both work together to make things better between the two of you. What actually happens is that someone gets selfish and everyone suffers. Also some people are deluded into romantic ideations of what they think a marriage "should be”. My parents are married and so were my grandparents, so I'm very aware of how much the Cosby show is just that, "a show". But that doesn't mean I want the opposite of that. There's good days and bad days and in a good relationship the bads aren't that frequent, but they are still there.

I think marriages fail because people are scared to let go. I should also say that I think marriages can fail without divorce. I don't believe in that staying together for the kids or any reason other than you love and like each other.

I don't know about that. I mean as much as I agree with that statement...and trust me I do...I realize how much tougher it was for people who only had one parent around. And a lot of people these days are so selfish when it comes to everything it's saddening. But, I'm just thinking that the kids really do suffer for the sins of the father and that is tragic.

That we do. I just think some people don't know what to expect from marriage because there are a lot of single parent and no parent homes out there. But it would seem that you have an excellent start on figuring out how to manage a marriage.

Right and that's the opposite side of the coin like staying together in bad relationship, like an actual bad one for the kids. You would be doing way more harm than good, that's just torture.

So outside of your choice of female, is there anything that you need to be married?

Nope, I can't think of anything that I need I'd like to be in a better place professionally, but that's not even close to a sticking point.  You?

I'm pretty "me" centered right now. I'd like to get out of this stage and into a place where I have enough to comfortably share with someone else. What is your take on niggas and the whole wifey/hubby or any other variation of said terms?

I think it's bullshit. And I think it stems from a lot of people not having real wives or husbands in our cultural circles.  

Like they push that moniker onto bf's/gf's/and fb's. A large portion of relationships in black the black community do not end in (or ever even get close to) marriage. Unlike white people, who can meet, date, get engaged, and married all on the same 2011 cat calendar.

I feel like niggas wanna play house with out paying the mortgage.

Yo, that is a damn fine idiom! Nice one sir.

Thanks. I thought of that maybe two weeks ago and I have been waiting for the perfect opportunity to use it. But it's the truth, I don't like the titles because they make me feel like I'm in a relationship intended for marriage, and I hate those.

I don't think I've ever been in one of those

You sure you've never been in any type of relationship when the female saw more with you than you did with her?

I think that may have happened to me before.

I mean, sometimes these ladies just think something is going on... And thing is, it is definitely NOT going on.

I know women that would start making futures with me on the spot. No conceit or anything but, I am a black man, college educated on a career track with no kids...I AM THE ONE!!!! 

Nope, nothing sounds conceited about that at all...

Anyway, I have jumped into a few things because of pressure from ladies. 

Ladies can be gangsters man. They'll be straight up on some "are we together or not? Cuz if we're not I'm out of here nigga." 

And there are a lot of lonely women out there just looking for someone to love. On the flip side of that, there just as many lonely men being taken advantage.

I've done that shit. Done the hell out of it... Sheeeeit a lot of women do that too.

Hell yeah! I've definitely been with those ladies. I've also been that guy. It goes down all too often. I feel like 45% of the 51% of failed marriages happen because niggas be lonely.

Wait, so 9 out of 10 marriages fail because the husband was lonely, inside the marriage?  9 out of 10 failing marriages I mean?

Not quite. I'm saying that 9 out of 10 marriages fail because they were entered upon in terms of loneliness. 

For instance; you may tried your hand at marriage, or had a string of bad relationships and if your're someone with one of those biological clock majigs (especially you women) you probably have an age that you would like to be married at. 

And then it happens! You turn 42, you're unwed and now you're more likely to find love and get married on match.com then anywhere else because... (and here's the climax) because no one wants to get with your ass when it's 42 years old. 

This is what I like to call the "42 and Unwed" Crisis.

Jeeeeez so you're 42 and you want to get married?

  

Like what the fuck, seriously? You'd think they would have tried it already. 

Also, I don't know why there's still a big taboo on finding a special someone online. We do everything else online anyway. Why can't people find love on these internet streets?

It's not like buying a wife from Russia or something. You still have to go out with these people and find out if you like them or not.

I'm still not with it my friend. When I think about the things that may drive one to match.com or any dating site for that matter, I think I wouldn't want to be that person.

I'd like to think these people are joining because of undeveloped social skills, lack of attractiveness on the facial and bodily levels or your're just plain old lonely. I just feel like it's a desperate move.

We should try it? Is it free? If it's free, we should definitely do it.

You and your bright ideas Et Cetera. This wouldn't be the first time you convinced me to do something that sounds great at that time but ends up back firing terribly. But I'm down if you are.

As long as it's free right? I'm thinking it's like going to be like one of those ladies' "game nights" my friends invite me to from time to time. Like, you show up and it's all single ladies who are maybe looking to get a guy. Basically, it's like that. Like your lady friend helping you get a girl, only in this case, the lady friend is the Internet.

Yeah, and she has no idea the ladies that she's introducing you to. Fucking Internet.

Well, that doesn't sound too far away from real life anyway.

The Slow Reveal

So recently I found myself invited to a good friend's bachelor party. As the American culture demands it, a groom-to-be must go out to a strip club and be exposed to the oiled-up, naked, lady bits of exotic dancers for several, several, hours before he can truly love and appreciate those of his blushing bride-to-be.

And it is written, "God so loveth the world that he gave unto it strippers of undeniable bosom and shapely backside. And the lord sayeth, "take unto thee a couple hundred dollars and allow it to fall upon their exposed flesh as the rain unto the earth. And I shall look upon this, and shake my head." Or something like that, I'll admit I'm a little shaky on my bible verses these days.

Anyway, as I'm cruising toward the bar saying hi to the people as I walk by (Spike Lee resolution style), this fine chocolate temptress catches my eye (fine as "all outdoors"). She cups her right breast in a titan's grip and ensnares me with her trance-like gaze from nearly 15 feet away.

At that point I knew...

That's exactly where I wanted to throw my money that night, hell who am I kidding, every night.

So, as I stood there at this alter to the beautiful goddess in front of me (also known as the stage), my one's in tightened fist's embrace, she began to dance. Slowly, and seductively, I was lured into her lusty world. I was floating away in the sea of her enchanting perfume while she danced to the rhythm my throbbing heart and falling dollar bills. She had me, I was hypnotized by her grace and agility, captivated by her magnetic choreography.

Then, before I knew it, she was butt booty naked, giving me a kiss and walking away with her purse full of scooped-up money. And that's when I realized where I was and what I was doing. Now don't get me wrong, I was having a blast, and trust me, that lady certainly worked her ass off for that money. But what I'm saying is I had totally forgot about her being a stripper and all the nasty things she does (professionally?), or that kiss on the cheek would've gotten a completely different response from me.

Yup.

If I had known she was the "kissing stripper" beforehand I would have more than likely kept my distance, but because I didn't, I found myself all up in her kissing range. And things like this happen all the time, usually having nothing to do at all with smoke-filled rooms and buxom ladies that grind away your inhibitions. This effect is what I like to call, The Slow Reveal.

There are some things in life that people simply will not fucking accept. Now if you make them believe that they are doing something completely different, it takes them that much longer to figure out that what they are doing is, in fact, not what they were doing at all. People who understand the true power of the slow reveal will use this to your detriment and most will never see it coming until it's too late.

Here is another example, once upon a time a guy was dating this girl. In the beginning, there were blowjobs. Blowjobs were practically raining from the sky they were so plentiful. And these blowjobs were magnificent, blowjobs before sex, blowjobs after sex, blowjobs just because, you know... the type of stuff legends are made of. Then, one day, without him noticing, he was only getting head before they had sex... sometimes. Then, he and this lady at some point became man and wife. And although they were having sex... sometimes, it seems like now he only gets head on big holidays and birthdays. Then one day, he rolls over to her in the bed and, bold as ever, asks, "honey, how come you never go down on me anymore?" She looks him dead in the face and says, "What the fuck? You're going on and on about me sucking your dick again? Suck your own dick, you bastard! GOD!!! I hate sucking your dick!!!"

See? Did he know he was with a woman who didn't like kissing trouser snakes? Did he know he was going to marry a woman that was completely anti-dick-licking? Can he suck his own dick? Nope. This man had no idea what he was getting into, no idea whatsoever. The Slow Reveal got him good.

Beware my friends, the Slow Reveal will bite you in the ass everytime. Or, if you're really unlucky, it'll bite you on the ass when you first meet it, and keep doing it until it feels like the time is right to tell you that it actually hates biting ass. And that if you really loved it, you would understand and accept it.