When Crazy Goes Right...Then Left

Follow me on a journey of love…or something kinda similar to the idea of love.

In a world long ago in a galaxy close, close by…

I had a girlfriend. She was crazy. I mean, certifiable. The type of chick that threatened to cut my penis off if she even smelt another females scent on me…then showed me the knife she would do it with. But, I loved this girl. Something about the crazy ones makes for a great time. It also makes for a passionate time which then makes for a fiery blast of a time that eventually ends in a nuclear reaction of break ups. And so it came to pass that my relationship ended in a blaze of fire and glory and confusion similar to the Rodney King riots.

But alas, if there is one thing I really miss about this girl it is…the sex. And so I thought about getting back with my crazy ass ex simply for the sex.

If you ain’t never had sex with someone you were seconds away from killing, you are missing out. Sex so good make you want to wear church shoes with jeans. Sex so good you travel across the country. That kind of sex.

But with her, words could not describe the passion between us. It was like two stars fighting for control of the galaxy and each eventually gives way to the other creating something more beautiful than either one could have imagined. With her, it wasn’t sex it was love and we didn’t make it…we became it.

We would lose ourselves in each other’s caress. Lose words to heavy breathing, lose thought to feeling. Lose control to chaos and let lust reign over us.

And even though after that night, I had to call the cops on her to get her out of my house, it was the best sex I ever had. 

And now that I am single I’m thinking…maybe we should give it another try?

Maybe we should’ve never broken up?

Maybe we should’ve seen the Avengers together?

Maybe we should ride a tandem bicycle to the beach for ice cream?

Maybe this is all we need to rediscover our love?

Or maybe I’m crazy?

Possibly.

When Single Guys Talk About Getting Married...

I'd like to think this entry between Ricochet and Mr. Et Cetera started like an episode of Law and Order.

The following blog entry is fictional, except where it is completely real. And does not depict any actual persons or events, except where actual events and people are depicted. Names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent. 

In the Dopest Blog Name Ever, the entries are written by three separate yet not so equally important people: Troo Alquemist, Regular Et Cetera, and Ricochet Grab It. These are their stories... 


Everyone's except Troo's, who didn't contribute because he's a dick.

(DUM DUM)

Regular Et Cetera: I have very limited exposure to single or divorced mothers. Unless you count me trying to have sex with them.

Ricochet Grab It: Hmm, that seemed unwarranted and out of context. Do you think that you're ever going to get married? Better question. Do you think you would ever get divorced?

I think I kinda would like to get married. Seems like a good idea. I definitely don't want to get divorced.

You think you kinda want to get married, what the hell does that mean?

Well I do, just not right now so, kinda but, actually not kinda, well yes I do. I'd like to have a wife. What about you?

I want to get married. Twice. One time has to be a wild night in Vegas, with all my friends Klondike Bar wasted. I don't really care who I marry, some stranger perhaps, I just want to get the first marriage out the way.

How many girls have you dated that you thought you could possibly marry?

Well, I don't think there is just one person you can marry. And honestly, I haven't had a lot of serious relationships. So I would say 1, 1.5 girls.

What the fuck does "I don't think there is one person that you can marry" mean? Also, it doesn't matter if you were seriously dating them or not.

I don't think marriage is as much about love as it is making it work. It's cool if you really love each other and like eachother. Honestly, I don't ever think of the "rest of my life" when I think about marrying someone. I'm a pretty easy going guy so I feel there are a lot of woman I could successfully marry.

You know what's crazy, I think about that shit with most women. Any woman I've ever kissed, I've probably imagined being married to. I don't know why, I just do. It usually flashes into my mind's eye like those scenes in the movies where someone is about to die in a car accident. The longer I'm dating a lady the more long term daydreams I create, or day-nightmares... Is that a word?

That's what I'm saying. For example, I was never serious about TOPANGA but I often thought that she would make a good wife. She has a lot going for her, the sex was good, communication was effective...given enough time I'm sure we could have fell in love.

You know whats crazy, I constantly thought about GINA being my wife. Given, she was always a horrible mean, extra-mean, like really really mean, Cruella Deville kind of wife. And I'd be in the dream thinking "Why did i do this WHYYYYYY?!!!" The answer of course was always sex. I'm saying though we did have some incredible sex, and she was pretty cool usually. I just felt like she would go criminally sour one day and I'd just be stuck with a villain for a wife. That's usually when I'd snap back to reality and see sweet sweet GINA sucking my dick like some kind of sexy demon and I'd be all like, "What was I saying again? Who carrrrrrrrr...."

Yeah, GINA was something. I mean I don't know personally, but I heard about it. I can only speak for me, but marriage isn't the ultimate goal for me in life, so I think it's impossible for me to actually fail at it. I'm sure that's when it hurts the most; when you've spent your entire life thinking about the one person you would marry, you've planned the wedding down to the perfume you're going to wear on that beautiful day...and then two divorces later, you're ready to tie that knot into a noose around your neck.

How confident of you. Seeing as I've failed almost religiously in almost every relationship I've ever been in, I'm not quite on your level of thinking I'm going to do well in it.

You really failed RELIGIOUSLY with PAM. Did you ever think you were going to marry HER?

Oh my god that shit was RELIGIOUS for real!!! Epic relationship failure!

But yea man, I used to do it all the time. I probably still would if things hadn't happened the way they did. Thank you sweet baby black Jesus for getting me out of that one. Mighta ended up being murdered in my sleep or something... But got damnit I loved that crazy girl.

I know she isn't the most attractive but I've thought about marrying ANGELA. I'm thinking I've got to put myself in the best possible situation, and she wants to be a doctor, or lawyer, or something like that.

Plus ANGELA was so cool man: and she more than likely wasn't gonna end up getting fat either. I know I think about that too.  Looking at a girl like, "are you going to transform into some kind giant behemoth wife?" 


*shivers*

Yea, that's what's pretty sweet about Africans (sigh). Anyway, do you ever think about a specific race you wanna marry? Because I often think African or Carribaen... you know, niggas wit a sense of culture.

I'm fairly partial to the human race these days.

So here's a good question. Have you ever thought about what kind of family your wife would come from...what is your ideal situation?

The ideal situation would be if she had a mother and father who were married, stayed married, are black, and possibly... wealthy? So basically, any of Cliff Huxtable's daughters.

That sounds good. But I want a woman from a broken home, as long as she never did hardcore porn (if it's softcore, I might make an exception) or stripped anywhere I've been. I like that whole "us against the world" motif.

(DUM DUM)

White women?

I've dated white women and have thought about marrying them. I wouldn't rule it out but I also wouldn't bet on it. It's like, part of spirit my memory that remember slavery will only let my white relationships go but so far. My inner Nat Turner if you will, killing all the white I like. I'd like to think Mufasa is the voice of my conscience and he keeps saying to me while videos of Roots and the OJ trial play (he was in both) REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE! So I Just don't see it.

I don't think I could marry a white woman... I don't necessarily think it would be difficult being married to one, I just can't see myself getting Tiger Woods'd.

So Mr. Single Guy, why do you think marriages fail?

I think it fails because people don't really get that it is a contract between you and another person that you will both work together to make things better between the two of you. What actually happens is that someone gets selfish and everyone suffers. Also some people are deluded into romantic ideations of what they think a marriage "should be”. My parents are married and so were my grandparents, so I'm very aware of how much the Cosby show is just that, "a show". But that doesn't mean I want the opposite of that. There's good days and bad days and in a good relationship the bads aren't that frequent, but they are still there.

I think marriages fail because people are scared to let go. I should also say that I think marriages can fail without divorce. I don't believe in that staying together for the kids or any reason other than you love and like each other.

I don't know about that. I mean as much as I agree with that statement...and trust me I do...I realize how much tougher it was for people who only had one parent around. And a lot of people these days are so selfish when it comes to everything it's saddening. But, I'm just thinking that the kids really do suffer for the sins of the father and that is tragic.

That we do. I just think some people don't know what to expect from marriage because there are a lot of single parent and no parent homes out there. But it would seem that you have an excellent start on figuring out how to manage a marriage.

Right and that's the opposite side of the coin like staying together in bad relationship, like an actual bad one for the kids. You would be doing way more harm than good, that's just torture.

So outside of your choice of female, is there anything that you need to be married?

Nope, I can't think of anything that I need I'd like to be in a better place professionally, but that's not even close to a sticking point.  You?

I'm pretty "me" centered right now. I'd like to get out of this stage and into a place where I have enough to comfortably share with someone else. What is your take on niggas and the whole wifey/hubby or any other variation of said terms?

I think it's bullshit. And I think it stems from a lot of people not having real wives or husbands in our cultural circles.  

Like they push that moniker onto bf's/gf's/and fb's. A large portion of relationships in black the black community do not end in (or ever even get close to) marriage. Unlike white people, who can meet, date, get engaged, and married all on the same 2011 cat calendar.

I feel like niggas wanna play house with out paying the mortgage.

Yo, that is a damn fine idiom! Nice one sir.

Thanks. I thought of that maybe two weeks ago and I have been waiting for the perfect opportunity to use it. But it's the truth, I don't like the titles because they make me feel like I'm in a relationship intended for marriage, and I hate those.

I don't think I've ever been in one of those

You sure you've never been in any type of relationship when the female saw more with you than you did with her?

I think that may have happened to me before.

I mean, sometimes these ladies just think something is going on... And thing is, it is definitely NOT going on.

I know women that would start making futures with me on the spot. No conceit or anything but, I am a black man, college educated on a career track with no kids...I AM THE ONE!!!! 

Nope, nothing sounds conceited about that at all...

Anyway, I have jumped into a few things because of pressure from ladies. 

Ladies can be gangsters man. They'll be straight up on some "are we together or not? Cuz if we're not I'm out of here nigga." 

And there are a lot of lonely women out there just looking for someone to love. On the flip side of that, there just as many lonely men being taken advantage.

I've done that shit. Done the hell out of it... Sheeeeit a lot of women do that too.

Hell yeah! I've definitely been with those ladies. I've also been that guy. It goes down all too often. I feel like 45% of the 51% of failed marriages happen because niggas be lonely.

Wait, so 9 out of 10 marriages fail because the husband was lonely, inside the marriage?  9 out of 10 failing marriages I mean?

Not quite. I'm saying that 9 out of 10 marriages fail because they were entered upon in terms of loneliness. 

For instance; you may tried your hand at marriage, or had a string of bad relationships and if your're someone with one of those biological clock majigs (especially you women) you probably have an age that you would like to be married at. 

And then it happens! You turn 42, you're unwed and now you're more likely to find love and get married on match.com then anywhere else because... (and here's the climax) because no one wants to get with your ass when it's 42 years old. 

This is what I like to call the "42 and Unwed" Crisis.

Jeeeeez so you're 42 and you want to get married?

  

Like what the fuck, seriously? You'd think they would have tried it already. 

Also, I don't know why there's still a big taboo on finding a special someone online. We do everything else online anyway. Why can't people find love on these internet streets?

It's not like buying a wife from Russia or something. You still have to go out with these people and find out if you like them or not.

I'm still not with it my friend. When I think about the things that may drive one to match.com or any dating site for that matter, I think I wouldn't want to be that person.

I'd like to think these people are joining because of undeveloped social skills, lack of attractiveness on the facial and bodily levels or your're just plain old lonely. I just feel like it's a desperate move.

We should try it? Is it free? If it's free, we should definitely do it.

You and your bright ideas Et Cetera. This wouldn't be the first time you convinced me to do something that sounds great at that time but ends up back firing terribly. But I'm down if you are.

As long as it's free right? I'm thinking it's like going to be like one of those ladies' "game nights" my friends invite me to from time to time. Like, you show up and it's all single ladies who are maybe looking to get a guy. Basically, it's like that. Like your lady friend helping you get a girl, only in this case, the lady friend is the Internet.

Yeah, and she has no idea the ladies that she's introducing you to. Fucking Internet.

Well, that doesn't sound too far away from real life anyway.

The Duality of Hip Hop Wisdom

So, there you stand, beautiful human being that you are, living in a world where you are constantly showered by the affections of a certain lady. Let's call her lady A.

Lady A is phenomenal, she's cooler than anyone you've ever known, gets all your jokes, and fucks you like a sexy demon. Now, while she's doing all this, somehow -- you begin to gain the affections of another lady. We'll call her Lady J.

Lady J is alright, she doesn't get all your jokes, but she does make them. And the ones she does make aren't that bad. You've actually never met a woman with an engaging sense of humor before (not one that you actually appreciated anyway) so you find each witty response from her somehow more entertaining than the last. And just like that you've suddenly become surrounded by two fascinating women, and both of them want YOU. Why? Well that's easy, I told you at the beginning of the story, you're a beautiful human being. 

Well, Lady J is starting to get particularly aggressive these days, and honestly it's really not that hard to see  why. Clearly she wants... 


THE DICK. 


Which is, of course, awesome. But that's when you start to wonder what... 


"Wait a second.

Hey! what happened to Lady A?" 


Oh... You mean Lady A who leaves loving voicemails singing "your" song. Lady A, whose head fits perfectly within your lover's embrace? Lady A who threw you the most perfect surprise birthday party ever, even though you hate birthdays, and surprises? That Lady J?


Well... It goes like this.

New. Pussy. Happened.

And new pussy might not have a "song" with you. It probably doesn't watch movies with you curled up into an angelic coil of love and consideration. And it certainly won't understand why you like to eat grape jelly with your scrambled eggs. (SO GOOOOOOD)

But the thing is, none of those things matter when new pussy shows up. New pussy is the perfect storm of extenuating circumstances. It's like the full house of romantic opportunities, almost impossible to beat and shamelessly lusted after. 


And that's when it happens...

*doorbell ringing sound of your choosing*

Who should be standing there in the rain, eyes shining brightly into your world, shabbily shielded from the torrential elements by her blue and white umbrella? You already knew who it was, you two were texting before the storm began to get intense. She "just so happened" to be in your neighborhood and was wondering if you could do something to help her out. She was soaking wet. 

That's when you open your door and say, "Heyyy new pussy Lady J! What possibly brings you to this neighborhood? And so late, too? Don't you know that this is when the dangerous men come out?"

To which she not-so-subtly responds, "maybe I'm looking for a dangerous man."



*Blows whistle and runs onto field to throw penalty flag*


*Proceeds to read from the book of Devin, chapter 2 verse 13*


"When you fucking over your fasho pussy trying to get some mo pussy, you'll end up with no pussy... No pussy."


*Picks up flag and walks back off field*

That's when she looks at you and says, "So... do you mind if I hang out over here for a little while?"

And what do YOU do? 

Well, that's easy. You open the door and proceed to fuck that woman like an uncaged beast. 

I know what you're thinking, you're all, "but Mr. Et Cetera, what about that passage from the book of Devin? Why would he still do that?"

Well... I'm glad you asked that. See, as much wisdom as can be found in the words of Devin (so much wisdom), they usually just glance right over those good sunday passages and skip straight to the book of Nas, specifically chapter 5 verse 7... 

Which just so happens to read as follows...

*AHEM*

"Aint no pussy like new pussy thats how a nigga feel"

Welp... there's only one thing you can say to that.

Amen.

The Hardest Part of Breaking Up...

Maybe I'm love sick, maybe I'm sick of love.

Or maybe I just finished watching 500 Days of Summer and I'm feeling some sort of way right now. (If you haven't seen the movie, see it. It features Joseph Gordon-Levitt who was the shiznit in Inception).

Either way, I'm sick. And now I will infect you all. (Poor choice of words, sorry.)

It has come to my attention that the hardest part of breaking up is getting back your stuff. That is in fact a song by 2Ge+her. Actually, the hardest part of breaking up is really breaking up. Without delving into my very dark and mysterious past, I would like to outline some "break up" situations that some people you know, or maybe even you have been in.

The 1,2,3 Break Up

This is the classic break up that if you've ever been in love, you will know what I mean. It's the break up that is not really official until after the third time you break up. The first time you break up it's because of frustration, some mistake that he or she makes gets you upset that you make this rash "decision". But it's not a decision at all because 2 days later, you guys are back together. The second break up happens because you two are probably fed up with each other and have grown complacent in your fights and bickering. After this break up, the only thing that will bring you back together is the fact that you don't know what else to do. Sad truth is that your both hurt and just want to be there for each other. (This is where you go awwwww). This is the unexpected break up. The third break up is the last straw. The "damn, we can't keep breaking up and getting back together, this is ridiculous". After this one, its over, for real. If its not, then you have just entered the 'Count in Break Up" (1, 2, 3, 4..)

It's Not You, It's Me Break Up

C'mon, we've all been on one side of this break up at some point. This break up comes like the end of a bad dream. You don't really know how you got to this point but you know it's time for it to end. But, your significant other hasn't given you any reason to break up. They've been nice, caring, considerate, passionate but they are missing that one thing. The "I want to stay with you" factor. So, you say those infamous words..."it's not you babe, it's me" and boom, instant break up right...WRONG. This break up usually leaves the dumped party confused, angry and in a very bad scenarios, a stalker.

The Break

By far my least favorite of the break ups. This is more or less the pussy version of breaking up if you will for a couple of reasons. For one, what the fuck is a break? It's like the nice version of saying "I've been thinking about breaking up with you for a while. I even talked to my friends who told me I should break up with you. But I haven't found someone to replace you with yet so I need to keep you off the market while I see what's up."

Or it's saying "I'm so pissed at whatever it is you did right now that I don't want to be with you. But I'm sure I'll be over it in a couple of days so I just want to make you nervous right now."

A break is a timeout from a relationship. But when you take a timeout, you know you’re coming back, so a break would seem redundant now wouldn’t it. “Let’s break up for a couple of days and get back together.” But why the fuck would we “break” if the point was to stay together. That’s like not talking for a little while. We should just do that, stop talking. I’ve never seen the NY Football Giants take a timeout and decide “fuck this game, I’m out.”

The Fallout Break Up

This one is the simplest break up of them all. Usually, one party does something so unforgiving that…you can’t forgive them. And you both realize that you’re just hurting each other and you decide to fuck off before you both fucking kill each other.

So, the moral of the story is that we will all end up alone and die, right, NO. That is not the moral of this story. The moral is, there isn’t any moral. You will probably find yourself in one of these situations, and you will probably be hurt. I guess the moral is don’t string bad relationships along.

The problem is that great relationships and bad relationships will both have heartache and turmoil and the only way to differentiate between the two is to explore it, get your heart broken and hopefully find someone who won’t break it anymore…on purpose at least.

Break up to make up is a song, a very good song. It's only good once in a while though. Start hearing it too much and you might get sick of it...get it.

Oh, Inception was DA BOMB DIGGIDY.