Here's a Tip

So there I am having the mandatory "black lunch" between myself and two of the only other black co-workers at my job. I reach for the ketchup to put a little extra "umph" into my already quite tasty burger and somewhere along the way I found a way to spill ketchup all over my new Obama T-shirt. And when I say all, trust me, I mean ALL.

The cap flew off the top of the bottle and landed in my glass of water. The waiter came out, and I, after cleaning half a bottle of ketchup off of myself, asked him if he could bring me another napkin. He says, "No, problem," and, as he hastily reached for the napkin the ketchup soaked cloth squished triumphantly into his delicately manicured hand. He cringes. Then he looks over at my cup, sees the bottle cap that has clearly sank to the bottom of my freshly poured glass of water, and says, "What happened... here? (incredibly vocal sigh)" Then takes my cup and walks away, almost sadly.

So this blogpost goes out to you, waiter-at-5Napkin-Burger-who-probably-thinks-I-am-a-tremendous-ass. I know you probably went back to the kitchen with that glass like "what THEE fuck KING FUCK!!!"

I mean, I admit, we were far too old to be playing around shooting bottletops into water glasses, which is why I can understand why you would walk past our out stretched hands and constant "excuse me's". Surely, people like us didn't deserve your attention. And honestly, I actually deserved to sit at the table for 43 minutes with an empty water glass. We were quite obviously too immature to be thirsty. I salute you sir for being observant enough to wait until the flies started swooping in on our empty plates to come pass and ask if we needed some help. So thank you sir, for all the good times.

Signed,

Regular 'Shoutingouthisshirt4theweekenD' Et Cetera

Eff the Trooric!

Right... Oh yea, I totally believe you.

O Grandma, what big LIES you have

So, I’m thinking... I don’t know when the hell it happened but somewhere along the way, I stopped believing what you said. You, pretty girl with the pearly whites and extra tight, skirt. You, convincing voice over on any advertisement I’ve ever heard in my life. And definitely you, moving picture, with whom I share some of my most cherished loves and childhood memories: I’ve given up on you as well. All of you are liars.

Not that I have an explicit problem with liars. I mean I vote, and I date women who wear makeup and have friends say things like, “they can only fit magnums” (I said it). So, it’s not so much that I have problem with people who are disingenuous. I just like to know that when I get approached by something incredibly stinky (see bullshit), I don’t eat it like a sandwich... Just because you say so. No sir/maam, if I’m going to be eating a shit sandwich. At least it is being done with me knowing ahead of time just what kind of shit I’m going to be sinking my teeth into...

(Ok, I just edited out almost 2 paragraphs of me going on and on with that shit sandwich analogy. And let me tell you, it is quite possibly THE WORST analogy this blog has every seen. WOW proofreading just saved the hell out of you guys from that terror strike of verbs, nouns, and adjectives.... Anyway)

So, no, Tide with 4x stain-removing power, I don’t believe you’re worth the extra $2.29 markup you’ve separated yourself from the competition with. And, no I DEFINITELY don’t believe this is the dramatic/action/comedy movie of the summer (first of all what the fuck is a dramatic/action/comedy in the first place).

I have come a long way since I thought Ninja Turtles actually lived in the sewers, or James Bond really had several reasons to have a damn laser watch (seriously?) on his wrist. And I’m sorry yall, but this cold, cold world has really stripped me of my ability to easily believe anything. There is simply no way I could go to the market, and drop my hard earned cash down on your magic beans. So, hey pretty lady, good luck convincing me of anything you say. But maybe (MAYBE) after a while (probably a good long fuckin’ while), I will believe that YOU want me to believe it.

So what’s up dope fiends, how do you distribute your trust? Do you make it rain? Or is it the Drought 3 round there?

-Peace

p.s. EFF CHET & MISTY!!!