Tuesday, August 30, 2011

The Slow Reveal

So recently I found myself invited to a good friend's bachelor party. As the American culture demands it, a groom-to-be must go out to a strip club and be exposed to the oiled-up, naked, lady bits of exotic dancers for several, several, hours before he can truly love and appreciate those of his blushing bride-to-be.

And it is written, "God so loveth the world that he gave unto it strippers of undeniable bosom and shapely backside. And the lord sayeth, "take unto thee a couple hundred dollars and allow it to fall upon their exposed flesh as the rain unto the earth. And I shall look upon this, and shake my head." Or something like that, I'll admit I'm a little shaky on my bible verses these days.

Anyway, as I'm cruising toward the bar saying hi to the people as I walk by (Spike Lee resolution style), this fine chocolate temptress catches my eye (fine as "all outdoors"). She cups her right breast in a titan's grip and ensnares me with her trance-like gaze from nearly 15 feet away.

At that point I knew...

That's exactly where I wanted to throw my money that night, hell who am I kidding, every night.

So, as I stood there at this alter to the beautiful goddess in front of me (also known as the stage), my one's in tightened fist's embrace, she began to dance. Slowly, and seductively, I was lured into her lusty world. I was floating away in the sea of her enchanting perfume while she danced to the rhythm my throbbing heart and falling dollar bills. She had me, I was hypnotized by her grace and agility, captivated by her magnetic choreography.

Then, before I knew it, she was butt booty naked, giving me a kiss and walking away with her purse full of scooped-up money. And that's when I realized where I was and what I was doing. Now don't get me wrong, I was having a blast, and trust me, that lady certainly worked her ass off for that money. But what I'm saying is I had totally forgot about her being a stripper and all the nasty things she does (professionally?), or that kiss on the cheek would've gotten a completely different response from me.


If I had known she was the "kissing stripper" beforehand I would have more than likely kept my distance, but because I didn't, I found myself all up in her kissing range. And things like this happen all the time, usually having nothing to do at all with smoke-filled rooms and buxom ladies that grind away your inhibitions. This effect is what I like to call, The Slow Reveal.

There are some things in life that people simply will not fucking accept. Now if you make them believe that they are doing something completely different, it takes them that much longer to figure out that what they are doing is, in fact, not what they were doing at all. People who understand the true power of the slow reveal will use this to your detriment and most will never see it coming until it's too late.

Here is another example, once upon a time a guy was dating this girl. In the beginning, there were blowjobs. Blowjobs were practically raining from the sky they were so plentiful. And these blowjobs were magnificent, blowjobs before sex, blowjobs after sex, blowjobs just because, you know... the type of stuff legends are made of. Then, one day, without him noticing, he was only getting head before they had sex... sometimes. Then, he and this lady at some point became man and wife. And although they were having sex... sometimes, it seems like now he only gets head on big holidays and birthdays. Then one day, he rolls over to her in the bed and, bold as ever, asks, "honey, how come you never go down on me anymore?" She looks him dead in the face and says, "What the fuck? You're going on and on about me sucking your dick again? Suck your own dick, you bastard! GOD!!! I hate sucking your dick!!!"

See? Did he know he was with a woman who didn't like kissing trouser snakes? Did he know he was going to marry a woman that was completely anti-dick-licking? Can he suck his own dick? Nope. This man had no idea what he was getting into, no idea whatsoever. The Slow Reveal got him good.

Beware my friends, the Slow Reveal will bite you in the ass everytime. Or, if you're really unlucky, it'll bite you on the ass when you first meet it, and keep doing it until it feels like the time is right to tell you that it actually hates biting ass. And that if you really loved it, you would understand and accept it.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

U Know What Grinds My Gears...

Guess who's back?

Did you miss me?

I must confess, I am not writing this post on my own free will. It has been brought to my attention that I had been slacking when it comes to contributing to this blog.

To the readers (DopeHeads): I am extremely sorry. Depriving you of my intellectual commentary and witty observances must have been torture. Especially since all you had was Ricochet and Reg. Actually, Reg is cool. It's that punk ass Reg that I'm sure y'all couldn't stand.

"Damn, Troo. Where's all this coming from?"

Well, if you must know, I've just finished talking to this fool (Ricochet) for three hours. The conversation could have easily been over in one. Did I mention that it is 4 AM?

I'm sorry. I just need to speak my mind. A lot has happened since I last posted. A lot of sad. A lot of good. Both of which I can deal with. But there are those things that I can't stand. Some people call them "pet peeves". (Why do we say "pet peeves" anyway?) I call them things that grind my gears. I say "grind my gears" because I'm a well oiled machine usually, but certain shit just throws me off. Here's a few...

1. People interrupting/disturbing/preventing my sleep. Again, I'm a well oiled machine and I need my rest, baby. Keeping me awake or waking me up unnecessarily is also a really dick move. Am I wrong?

2. Calling me a liar. I said what I said, and I meant what I said. You wouldn't feel the need to repeat yourself (after I said "I understand" or "I'll do that") unless you thought I wasn't being honest. Yeah, yeah, you may repeat to emphasize how important it is to you, but come on... 5 or 6 times is overkill.

3. Punk-ass teenagers. Yup.

4. People not doing their job. Actually this should be number ONE. Just do your fucking job! I hate when people don't do their job, no matter how simple or complicated. Hell, at least attempt to do your fucking job. The world would move a lot smoother. Case in point: There is no fucking reason you should ever wait 20 minutes for your food at a fast food restaurant.

The list could go on and on. But I like the number 4, except when its 4:44 am (Which it is). So I'm gonna take my ass to sleep, as I am tired. But I will will catch you all later, DopeHeads. I promise that my next post will be a little nicer.

"Umm Hmm. Yeah. Okay."

Fuck you. Read "pet peeve" number 2. Don't call me a liar.

I'm owt.

Thursday, August 18, 2011


On the mid-morning flight to CALIFORNIA!

That's right dope heads..yours truly, Ricochet GrabIt is off to the West Coast for some surfing and high quality drugs. Is that really why I am going? Um, DUHHHH.

But this hasn't been easy for me. Yes the sun, the women and the drugs make it a fun transition but I will be missing NY (as well as speaking grammar incorrectly)

I thought, like I always do, that it would be dope if I laid out a list of the things I will miss most about NY for you mark ass tricks.

1. Family and friends
This goes without saying....but of course I have to say because I'm writing a blog. Y'all made me. I wouldn't be where I'm at if it wasn't for you. All of my arrogance, ignorance, amorality and ability to pick up and leave from where I'm at in travel cross country, I owe to all of you. DEEZ NUTS! Na, I'm playin.

2. Syracuse University
Forever thankful for the people and events that have changed my life forever. Although I can't remember everything, the things I do remember and the pictures I've seen remind me of the awesome times I had with my CUSE peeps, S/O to y'all.

3. NY Slang
I talk mad shit son, nahmean. And I won't here this again till I'm back East. I guess I better start learning all the proper usages for all the -izzle verbage. But I do like calling niggas marks. And thankfully nigga is an equal coast word.


4. Quarter Man
There used to be a guy that lived around the way. Nigga used to always ask for a quarter whenever we passed him. I haven't seen quarter man in a while, I heard he died of AIDS or rabbis. Maybe he's not dead at all. I'd like to think he finally collected enough quarters to put that down payment on a nice brownstone in Brooklyn. I'm gonna go with that.

5. NY Radio
After hearing the garbage ass radio of Syracuse, its been fun listening to HOT 97 nd 105.1 but when I really think about how much I don't listen to radio, I probably won't even have a chance to listen to LA radio. But I will need all the new NY music. Thankfully, we have the internet.

No more Knick, Yankee, SYRACUSE or Giants games anymore unless its nationally televised. Otherwise I'm stuck watching the bum ass Raiders and Lakers and Angels. I am going to invest in a sports package...at a bar...where I can drink...on Sunday mornings. After 12pm of course.

Oh, and yeah, I said the bum ass lakers. I ain't even gonna capitalize that.

Last and definitely not least, 7!

What the fuck is a swisher sweet? Fuck a white owl. And as for white boys, fuck Wiz Khalifa and that whole movement. Got a bunch of little fags running around dying blonde patches in their hair. WTF is that about? Seriously.

But as for the dutches, his is detrimental, but not insurmountable. And if you peeped my major use of $5 dollar words in that last sentence, I applaud you. Dutch Masters, I will miss you the most. I can't get high off of a memory.

That's it people. The next post I send you will be from the Left Coast, maybe the Best Coast, but we'll see.


Friday, August 5, 2011


WELCOME TO THIS ONCE IN A LIFETIME EVENT (but hopefully you'll come back and read it more than once, that'd be cool). Any ways, this is an especially DOPE hit for you and yours, so puff puff pass this joint.

Recently my boy Steakz Johnson (names protected for the innocent) got a job with the WWE. Along with his expertise, I have devised the the most incredible wrastling match you have ever seen. I couldn't come up with a name until now...so without further ado:

LIVE FROM YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN (and every where else you read this):


THEME MUSIC FOR THE NIGHT: Otis by Jay- Z and Kanye West (no reason other than it's the DOPEST song out, and this is the DOPEST event)

"I WANNA BE FAMOUS" Ladder Match
Jojo Simmons (Music: Diggy's Mixtape)
Trey Smith (Music: Whip My Hair by Willow Smith)

These two unsuccessful siblings collide in a ladder match...a bout that will surely leave the winner still not famous and still not living up to their father's expectations. That's why this is the first match, most of you came late and missed it.

Super Head (Music: How Many Licks by Lil' Kim)
Kat Stacks (Music: Superman by Soulja Boy)
Guest Referee: Soulja Boy

Who gives better head? Whose fucked more dudes in the industry? Who has more trips to the free clinic? IT DOESN'T MATTER as these two SUPER HOES fight for the title!

LUCK OF THE DRAW Hardcore Match
Plaxico Burress (Music: Who Shot Ya by Biggie Smalls)
Dick Cheyney (Music: Cheyney's Got A Gun (Remix)

One shot himself. The other his friend. One served time and the other is a white guy. But tonight, they go head to head in this duel in a NO-HOLDS BAR hardcore match. No guns will be allowed in the match for the safety of the fans.

The Williams Sisters (Music: Straight Outta Compton by NWA)
The Kardashians (Music: California Girls by Katy Perry)

Compton vs Hollywood. Black vs Persian. Ass vs Ass. In this match, we will see which sisters really rule the streets of Los Angeles in this match. My money is on the Williams, them Kardashian girls got a thing for athletes. Everyone fights in cat suits. Except that fat Kardashian. She has to wear a sweatsuit.

Wiz Khalifa and Amber Rose (Music: Gold Digger by Kanye West)
Nick Lachey and Vanessa Milano (Music: I Think I'm In Love With You by Jessica Simpson)

Who said one man's trash is another man's treasure? Clearly these people. In this SLOPPY SECONDS match, we will see why you should have never left the first, more famous and successful and wealthier and talented person.

Phillip Banks (Music: Rub You The Right Way by Johnny Gill)
Carl Winslow (Music: Tooty Fruity by Little Richard)
Guest Commentator: R. Kelly

Two of the greatest black fathers on TV that are really "happy" in real life. In this ALL OUT BRAWL we will crown our favorite gay father figure once and for all as they must fight their way out of this closet. R. Kelly will sing his commentary.

Puff Daddy/Puffy/P. Diddy/ Sean Combs (Music: Bad Boy 4 Life by P. Diddy)
Shyne/Da Band/Danity Kane/DREAM (Music: The Big Payback by James Brown)

A match for the ages in which Bad Boy Mogul and Miser Diddy takes on all those he has scorned in this fight to the finish. But beware, the loser not only loses the match but they get no royalties and some jail time.

OJ Simpson (Music: Low Down Dirty Shame by Evelyn "Champagne" King
Casey Anthony (Music: Brenda's Got a Baby by Tupac)
Laura Bush (Grove Street Party by Wacka Flacka Flame)

The courts might have acquitted them but TONIGHT, only one will walk away from the people they killed. And yes, Laura Bush killed a guy. Google it.

Anne Frank (Music: Crossroads by Bone Thugs n Harmony)
Hellen Keller (Music: None)

You may think this is no brainer match but Anne Frank never quite makes it out the attic (spoiler alert).

Last Man Standing Match
Erving 'Magic' Johnson (Music: Beat It by Michael Jackson)
The Green Monkey (You've Got Aids by The Family Guy Barber Shop Quartet)

What happens when the irresistible force meets the unmoveable object? When the cause meets the cure? Tonight we will find out as only one man can leave this ring alive. The truth is revealed....TONIGHT!

Who wins tonight...that's up to you. I'm just tryna get paid.