Plight of the Nice Guy

We've heard it all before.

"Nice guys finish last and alone and sad and pass these traits along to their offspring."

You may have heard it differently but you get the point Nice guys usually get the raw end of the deal. But today, just for you nice guys out there, I've enlisted the help of my good friend @FollowBMarie (which you should totally do after you finishing reading this), rather, she enlisted me to spread the WORD of the nice guy.

So if you fancy yourself a nice guy or if you know someone who does, this can and will be good for you, or their simpin' asses. 

Theory of the Nice Guy (as told by @FollowBMarie)

Reason 1-Maybe it's not because you're nice. Could it be that you have some other character flaws? Maybe you're not funny. Girls love funny men. Maybe it's because you're not fun? Although staying home & cooking every night is nice, it does get old quick. Just like men need spice in their life women like spice in their relationships. The man who continuously blames his lack of lady luck on being nice is not very different from the gal who chants "niggas ain't shit" Be reflective. It's possible something else is at work here.

This reason is great. Nice is bland. Bland is boring.

Reason 2-Nice guy by day, scumbag by night? You, sir, have more in common with the bad boy than you would like to admit. You believe that you are a nice guy. And hey, there are some nice aspects. But let's face it, most people would not associate you with nice. But this doesn't make you a bad person, maybe not even a bad boy. Just a Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde type.

Also superb reasoning. Nothing is worse than a fair-weather personality. 

Reason 3-You're too nice. Ok. This is the cliche one. But it's sort of true. GIRLS WANT TO FEEL SPECIAL! But sometimes it gets confusing. If you're taking every Jane, Jen & Mary out and making them all feel like a queen for the day. Guess what, it looks like game. Furthermore no one feels special. We want to be the only one you go above and beyond for, but if you go above and beyond for everyone, I'm sorry to say this, but you may end up behind. Now I'm not saying start slamming doors and only open it for your lady. But if you go above & beyond for everyone, well go to infinity and beyond for your main squeeze.

The whole "everybody wins" argument retooled. If everyone is special, then no one is special. But the Toy Story reference is priceless.

Reason 4-Define nice. Sir, you aren't it. Not even close. I mean yes, on paper you're the shit. But how can I put this? You're an ass. You're rude. You're full of yourself. And let me guess what you want to talk about--yourself, right? Be as aggressive as you want in the conference room, boardroom, classroom, or courtroom, but if you want a lady you better soften those edges.

For me, this is the crux of the reasoning. What does nice actually mean? I'll get to this later.

Reason 5-It's not about the battle, it's the war. So you opened every door, paid for every dinner, took her on vacation, went down to her father's to ask for her hand in marriage, only to be left at the altar. I get it. It hurts, but if you were the best man that you could be, then listen. She either was not the one or doesn't deserve you. There is some nice girl out there who will cater to you just as much as you spoil her. Realize that in the first lap you may be losing, maybe even in the second & third. But it ain't over til it's over. So stay true to your nice guy ways you might just cross that finish line first, nice guy.

I'm going to let this reason slide because I love @FollowBMarie and I understand as a female, it is in her nature to give hope. You nice guys should appreciate this.

Now, my source of contention can be outlined in Reason #4. What is a nice guy? It is my belief that woman don't want a nice guy, and here's why.

Do you ever remember being told "play nice"? Of course you do. Do you remember what it meant? Probably not. Playing nice didn't mean "treat all competitors with respect, don't cheat and be a good sport". Play nice meant don't do anything that is going to mess up this game. Don't hurt people's feelings. Don't say mean things. Make sure everyone is having fun.

While it may be easy to take this "nice" attitude into arenas in which the rules and guidelines dictate our behavior we must take into account that we are talking about relationships. And there are no rules in love. Nice is vanilla. Nice is what you do when you don't know someone, a default setting. And so the nice guy who you would love on your company kickball team may not make the best choice for a mate. 

Unless what you want is a push-over because the last guy walked over you and you would like to taste that feeling for a little while, which is cool. Every girl deserves one simping ass nigga in her life to step on. 

Except ugly girls, they just deserve to breathe and hold onto the off chance of pro-creation.

I feel what women are looking for is a good man and the inability to articulate this is the reason why the good man can't be found. The good man knows all about respect and honesty. But he also knows about winning and putting personal feelings aside to accomplish the larger goal. He doesn't worry about rocking the boat because he learned how to steer in troubled waters long ago. Even Jesus got angry.

Nice guy's don't finish last because they are trying to win. Nice guys finish last because winning was never the goal. The goal was to make sure the race was run fairly, that everybody had a shot, that the rules were followed. And while undoubtedly admiral, being selfless and concerned with the wellness of others will ensure that others will always finish the race before you.

And thanks to that guy, I get the girl. Every time. Half the time.

HAPPY NEW YEAR DOPE FIENDS!

I know what you’re thinking.

“Damn, these niggas ain’t post since December. They ain’t no real bloggers, they just phonies!”

And you’d be correct. We haven’t posted since December but real bloggers we are.

And that’s why our New Year’s Resolution is to write more consistently on this here old blog.

Another question may spring to mind:

“Ain’t it February niggas? Didn’t we celebrate Martin Luther The KANG Day already? Didn't Valentine's Day just pass”

And again, the answer is yes. And please stop calling us niggas. We are human beings too...damn.

As you know, most niggas make silly New Year’s Resolutions that come February, they have already
forgot about them. SO we decided to bypass that shit and just start in February. Now we only have to
keep this charade up for 11 more months, and that’s better than 12.

Oh, so you don’t believe me about my theory on New Year’s Resolutions, well isn’t that perfect. Let’s
take a look at some of the NYR’s some of you and your friends may have already failed at.

“I’m going to go to the gym 3 times a week”

Sure you went to the gym 3 times a week. And I mean that. You did go to the gym 3 times a week that
first week of the New Year. But then shit got real. Food got good. Drinks got served and by the 3rd week in Jan, you were down to once a weekend. But it’s all good. I don’t hate.
Get that summer body right in your mind.

Your mind has now shifted into the “I’ll go the gym when I’m too broke for happy hour” mood. This doesn’t last long as your gym membership expires for more happy hour money. We’ve all been here before. But fret not; come March, you’ll be right back making false promises.

“I’m going to find a new man/woman”

My favorite one of all. For a lot of you all, 2011 was a miserable year for love. You got cheated on.
The person you were talking to didn’t want to get serious. Your significant other left for inappropriate
dealings with a former flame (or at least threatened it). The point is you live alone, you die alone. And
for this set of people, dying alone is no longer an option for this year. So how’s the soulmate hunting
going? Well, after hitting the club every weekend, happy hour 3 nights a week and the bookstore you
happened to stumble into, your back at stage one. Alone. And now you’ve entered the “I’m going to tell myself I’m not going to meet anyone in hopes that my cynical approach leads someone to me” phase.

Good luck and Godspeed with that bullshit.

“I’m going to focus on getting that promotion/new job”

And so you did. That first week back to work, you stayed overtime, extra time and sacrificed a weekend. You felt fucking amazing. Then week 2 came and after a Sunday of drinking, Monday sucked and you left early. The rest of the week you were out by 4:56pm. When your supervisor asked you to work this weekend, you almost cursed them out for the audacity to ask you some crazy shit. And now we’re back to normal.

And you hate your job again. And so fuck the promotion, it's time to put in your two weeks and fly this coop. But you can't really put in your two weeks until you find that new job and in this economy and your complacency, it is going to be tough. But I admire your ability to say things and not follow through, simply amazing.

Whatever you may be, take my advice and hold off on making NYR’s at New Year’s. Besides, the Chinese think you’re stupid too. New Year’s is closer to February…or September for all my Jewish brothers out there.

SHALOM niggas.

When E-Thuggin' Goes Right?

I usually don't come here to vent...but ever since my friend and confidant Troo came at my neck in his last post, I think it's only appropriate to use this space for the same thing. However, because I am trying to maintain the privacy of certain parties involved, I'd like you to consider a hypothetical situation for me.

So if you smoke, light up. If you drink , drink up. If you do neither, well... more power to you and the rest of the after school special crew you're down with.

*AHEM*

Check out this hypothetical scenario...

So, let's say you were me.

And y'all know me, I'm just a ruggedly handsome, straight shooting, mostly-honest, type of guy.

So you're me, and as such, you have lots of friends. Some male, some female. And let's just say that in this hypothetical situation, you and one of those female friends, back in the day, long, long, long, longlonglonglonglong time ago, you may have been really friendly with them. Then, we'll say that perhaps after a while, you and this friend stopped being so friendly and from that point forward remained just JUST FRIENDS, and that's it.

Not a crime, right?

But now let's say this certain female friend gets a boyfriend.

*Cue time machine music: "Flashlight" by Parliament*

(Fast-forward to about 1.5 years later)

That brings us to the hypothetical situation at hand. Said boyfriend has decided to aggressively and harrassingly Tweet you about "messing" with his girlfriend.

What do you do?

Do you let it be?

You understand that he must be upset about something and this is how he decided to release his frustrations. Hey, shit happens, and sometimes it happens to you. Plus, you understand that he's always felt a little uneasy about you being her friend. 

Or

Do you respond to the fact that this nigga just bugged out?

It's possible that he has you confused for some other nigga, some nigga in his crew, or maybe someone he (imagined he) beat up in middle school.

Not sure.

Either way, he has disrespected you and even though you aren't quite the e-thug/clown he has show himself to be, maybe you should respond with a fury of venomous words on a public forum as well. Not on some e-thug shit tho, just to establish that you're against what has been said about you.

Why did they do it you?

Who knows? The thoughts and motives of the common e-thug/gangster/clown are pretty mysterious to you.

So (again) what do you do?

You make the right choice. You do not respond.

INSTEAD, you decide to hit your female friend up, ask her if she knows anything about her boyfriends most recent dumb ass move. She explains that it stems from a conversation you two had the other day. Also, during said conversation, you two got caught up, made jokes, shared advice, and wished each other the best into the future.

Nothing more, nothing less.

However, said boyfriend is up in arms about a joke that was said (perhaps he was reading the transcripts of our convo?), and because of this, what does he do?

Well, like any real man who has a problem with another man, he goes on Twitter,and airs out his grievances. #sarcasm

What then ensues is quite the temper tantrum involving exactly 3 tweets, all of which are simply oozing with insecurity (poor guy). One of them even directly @mentions you (#OUCH).

*Cue short time machine music for your 1.5 hour commute home from work*
And now you're here, and in the back of your head you hear Mufasa saying...

REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE!

And you start thinking...

Well, who are you? Well, for one, you are a person who doesn't actually give a FUCK. Not one singular eff word. Not even a half of one. Not even a fffffffff.

In fact, you find it to be incredibly amusing that he's so emotional about the situation at all.

You then kick around the idea of responding, just for the hell of it...

You know, have some fun, show off the photoshop skills you picked up in college and start posting doctored photos of him. You think of how many clever things you can come up to say in 140 characters or less about his ego, his insecurities, his complete and utter

I mean, you've been accused of wrong-doings before, and yes, some of them you are even fully-responsible for. Although honestly, most of that stuff was Troo Alquemist though, people just mix you guys up all the time for some reason.

But this time, you did nothing wrong, and Troo, well Troo has never even met this lady. You were actually wishing your female friend luck in her new long distance relationship. You know... being a good friend. Somewhere in those previous two sentences would be your cherry on top tweet.

Instead, you then go home, open your Mac or PC, log on to the blog that you and your two friends write, and you proceed to write a scathing blog about:
A) Insecure ass dudes who feel their girl can slip away from them at any moment because they're doing so many things WRONG. 


B) Dudes who would rather @MENTION you on twitter than sending you a text message or giving you a call, because somehow sending it over twitter and making it public makes dude a real fucking gangsta (yes, GANGSTA with an A...dudes like this are too stupid to spell it with an ER...as a matter of fact, they're actually too gangsta to spell it with an ER).

OR

C) Dudes who put their girlfriends in potentially harmful situations. And dudes who would like to provoke you into blogging about how friendly you and said dude's girlfriend were, where you were friendly at, and just how frequently you two were, *ahem* friendly. 


Afterwards though, you have a change of heart. You decide against doing it. You realize that there's no reason for you to even get close to that level of ridiculousness. You decide that you're totally above going out and embarrassing this guy. And you move on to do other things.


It still irks you a little to know that this guy would wile out like that. So then you think, "maybe you should say something?"

And therein lies the problem dear reader.

How exactly do you go about conveying a response to someone...

Without actually responding to them.

And, of course, not using Twitter?

You know... HYPOTHETICALLY

Because Who Doesn't Love A Good Break Up Song

I was getting high and thinking about my ex-girlfriend. And then I couldn’t actually remember who my ex-girlfriend was. I’m more of an “It’s Complicated” kinda guy so for sake of blogging, let’s say I have many an ex-girlfriend. SO who am I speaking about specifically you may ask? ALL OF THEM!

Let’s be fair though. It takes one to make one an ex and I’d like to think that I’m about 70/30 when it comes to dealing the break up and receiving it. I’m sure I was to blame for most of my relationships gone awry but we all did our parts. I need not go into detail. If you’ve ever grown up in life, you should have encountered this situation in some way, shape or form.

Which brings us to the theme of the moment…truly, it doesn’t bring us to that thought.

But this will.

You remember that conversation you and your ex had about loving each other, fully respecting one another’s autonomy and that in the end, you just wanted to see each other happy. But then something happened: you’re not together anymore.

I for one would like to think that any promise made during a relationship should only apply during the term of that relationship (except those rare special cases, like, “I won’t fuck your best friend”). And so now that the relationship is over, should you honor those promises?

Maybe. But if you’re like me (and I get a sneaking suspicion you are) you didn’t. You probably didn’t curse them out or wish death upon them, but you definitely didn’t want to see them happy.

And THIS, my friends, brings us to the question of the hour (for real this time):

Sometimes, when I’m all alone and no one is watching, I secretly wish my ex is alone and suffering and thinking about me. 

I DID THIS TO YOU

Judge all you want but you know that you’ve had this feeling at least once in your life. You may even be BEST FRIENDS with your ex: and for a moment, when she is crying to you about what her current man did and you are consoling her…you slightly smirk to yourself and think (and you thought I was gonna be the only one. SUCKER!)

If you’re thinking this is an everyday thought, you’re very wrong. It happens every once in a while, during the break up scene of a good movie or when you hear a certain type of song…which brings me to our conclusion…

If we all know this feeling and hate this feeling, why do we have so many songs about it? And good songs at that? Why would anyone want to relive this terrible feeling? It’s a rhetorical question so don’t even answer in your head. I know why. And if you don’t then I guess it’s one of those little dirty secrets of life that you only see in Disney movies.

Below are a list of some of the songs that “WE” (because your on my side while your reading this) hope the exes are singing about us and beneath that are the songs they’re probably really playing. I’m aware that there are many more but these are some of OUR favorites.

THE HOPE

1. N’Sync : I Want You Back - Half of yall didn’t even realize this was a sad song so busy dancin’. 

2. Deborah Cox  ft R.L. : We Can’t Be Friends – Great song, and they sing it together. Depending on which way you swing, I’m sure you think some one was hurt more in the song. 

3. R. Kelly: I Can’t Sleep – This is back when R. Kelly was singing, not sing/rapping. And he sang the shit out of this song. Your ex aint even know they were missing you until they heard this song. 

THE REALITY

1. Cee-lo Green: Fuck You – The title pretty much says it all. But in case it doesn’t this would be your ex saying FUCK YOU

2. Eamon: I Don’t Want You Back - You remember this song. Dude couldn’t really sing, chorus highlighted by “Fuck you you bitch, I don’t want you back”. Yeah. Your ex may be feeling this way right now

3. Everyone who did a Marvin’s Room Remix: Marvin’s Room – While I am not a fan of the song I am aware that many an ex has used the lyrics to say some soft ass, passive aggressive shit. Good for them.

Bet You Ain't Know It Was  A Movie About White Folk With Cancer

The Hardest Part of Breaking Up...

Maybe I'm love sick, maybe I'm sick of love.

Or maybe I just finished watching 500 Days of Summer and I'm feeling some sort of way right now. (If you haven't seen the movie, see it. It features Joseph Gordon-Levitt who was the shiznit in Inception).

Either way, I'm sick. And now I will infect you all. (Poor choice of words, sorry.)

It has come to my attention that the hardest part of breaking up is getting back your stuff. That is in fact a song by 2Ge+her. Actually, the hardest part of breaking up is really breaking up. Without delving into my very dark and mysterious past, I would like to outline some "break up" situations that some people you know, or maybe even you have been in.

The 1,2,3 Break Up

This is the classic break up that if you've ever been in love, you will know what I mean. It's the break up that is not really official until after the third time you break up. The first time you break up it's because of frustration, some mistake that he or she makes gets you upset that you make this rash "decision". But it's not a decision at all because 2 days later, you guys are back together. The second break up happens because you two are probably fed up with each other and have grown complacent in your fights and bickering. After this break up, the only thing that will bring you back together is the fact that you don't know what else to do. Sad truth is that your both hurt and just want to be there for each other. (This is where you go awwwww). This is the unexpected break up. The third break up is the last straw. The "damn, we can't keep breaking up and getting back together, this is ridiculous". After this one, its over, for real. If its not, then you have just entered the 'Count in Break Up" (1, 2, 3, 4..)

It's Not You, It's Me Break Up

C'mon, we've all been on one side of this break up at some point. This break up comes like the end of a bad dream. You don't really know how you got to this point but you know it's time for it to end. But, your significant other hasn't given you any reason to break up. They've been nice, caring, considerate, passionate but they are missing that one thing. The "I want to stay with you" factor. So, you say those infamous words..."it's not you babe, it's me" and boom, instant break up right...WRONG. This break up usually leaves the dumped party confused, angry and in a very bad scenarios, a stalker.

The Break

By far my least favorite of the break ups. This is more or less the pussy version of breaking up if you will for a couple of reasons. For one, what the fuck is a break? It's like the nice version of saying "I've been thinking about breaking up with you for a while. I even talked to my friends who told me I should break up with you. But I haven't found someone to replace you with yet so I need to keep you off the market while I see what's up."

Or it's saying "I'm so pissed at whatever it is you did right now that I don't want to be with you. But I'm sure I'll be over it in a couple of days so I just want to make you nervous right now."

A break is a timeout from a relationship. But when you take a timeout, you know you’re coming back, so a break would seem redundant now wouldn’t it. “Let’s break up for a couple of days and get back together.” But why the fuck would we “break” if the point was to stay together. That’s like not talking for a little while. We should just do that, stop talking. I’ve never seen the NY Football Giants take a timeout and decide “fuck this game, I’m out.”

The Fallout Break Up

This one is the simplest break up of them all. Usually, one party does something so unforgiving that…you can’t forgive them. And you both realize that you’re just hurting each other and you decide to fuck off before you both fucking kill each other.

So, the moral of the story is that we will all end up alone and die, right, NO. That is not the moral of this story. The moral is, there isn’t any moral. You will probably find yourself in one of these situations, and you will probably be hurt. I guess the moral is don’t string bad relationships along.

The problem is that great relationships and bad relationships will both have heartache and turmoil and the only way to differentiate between the two is to explore it, get your heart broken and hopefully find someone who won’t break it anymore…on purpose at least.

Break up to make up is a song, a very good song. It's only good once in a while though. Start hearing it too much and you might get sick of it...get it.

Oh, Inception was DA BOMB DIGGIDY.