Oh To Be Young And In Like

So, I was on my way to work today and instead of doing what i usually do (trying to guess which person on the train may be a sociopathic murderer), I instead found myself a captive audience to a sickening display of young "love".

Anyway, as I sat there trying to not watch the Wendy's girl paw all over Patty Mayonnaise's (definitely EX after she reads this) boyfriend, my mind drifted back to a purer time. The days when I was a young boy/man, fueled by hormones, sugary drinks, and unsurmountable horniness. Actually, now that I think about it, those times weren't really purer at all.

So as I stood there trying to look around the two 9th graders fucking each other with their clothes on, I feel a look of utter disgust beginning to wash over me. I thought to myself, "Surely there's no way I was this horny back then." But then, the more I thought of it, the more I realized how much that was pure bullshit. As I stood there flashing back to EPICLY getting to 3rd base on the morning school bus commute, I remembered that I was exactly that horny back then. 


In fact, there was even a specific code I abided by back then to "almost" safely navigate said horniness. The basic rules of engagement pretty much amounted to performing two simple actions:

1. Avoid doing anything around parents.

2. Avoid cock-blocking adults.

3. Do whatever you can get away with while staying aware of rules 2 and 3.


(Ok, I know that was three, but it just sounded so much easier if I said that there were only two things that you needed to do. Oh well, on with the show.)
Anyway, those were some crazy days. I mean, that shit was like the wild west of dick grinding, absolutely out of control. Which reminds of a story.

You see, once upon a time, a younger far less experienced me had THEE biggest crush on a girl named Tameka Mack. I mean this girl was a COLD TONI. And,  maybe she liked me back, I don't know. But what I do know is that I used to suck on her massive titty-balls just about every day behind the bleachers in 10th grade weight training. Every now and then it would go a little further and there would be some intense dick/pussy rubbing and maybe a little kissing. I say maybe because Tameka used to really be on some "Are you gonna suck'em or not?" type action in those days and as soon as we got in the back she was smothering me with areolas and grinding against my left thigh. Which, of course, I was completely ok with. Matter of fact, I was practically overjoyed with it. 


Isn't that crazy? I mean if a lady did something like that to me in the now-time, I. Would. Be. PISSED. Absolutely, FURIOUS. But back then... Hey, anything was plenty man, and was better than nan or nothing at all. (Book of Devin: Chapter 3 verse 7)

Well, weight training came and went. And me and Tameka soon found ourselves in other romantic situations around our sprawling high school campus. 


*sigh* 


She was a great girl.


And just like that I was no longer in a flashback scene. I was back on the train surrounded by jerks and people who look like jerks. I then paused to look down at these two young souls boldly embarking onto their journey of sexual discoveries and social embarrassment (in front of more than 150 people engaged in NYC public transportation), smiled to myself and thought, "enjoy it while it lasts you crazy kids..."

Then I looked down again and they were still going at it. My look of disgust and judgement immediately returned as I was like, "Really yall? Do I have to really to listen to yall swap spit and smeared lip gloss RIGHT next to me and my laptop case?" That's when I shiveringly remembered those (apparently still) long honored rules of engagement I told you guys about earlier, hurriedly grabbed my stuff and found my way to the opposite side of train.

SmH

Fucking teenagers.

The Slow Reveal

So recently I found myself invited to a good friend's bachelor party. As the American culture demands it, a groom-to-be must go out to a strip club and be exposed to the oiled-up, naked, lady bits of exotic dancers for several, several, hours before he can truly love and appreciate those of his blushing bride-to-be.

And it is written, "God so loveth the world that he gave unto it strippers of undeniable bosom and shapely backside. And the lord sayeth, "take unto thee a couple hundred dollars and allow it to fall upon their exposed flesh as the rain unto the earth. And I shall look upon this, and shake my head." Or something like that, I'll admit I'm a little shaky on my bible verses these days.

Anyway, as I'm cruising toward the bar saying hi to the people as I walk by (Spike Lee resolution style), this fine chocolate temptress catches my eye (fine as "all outdoors"). She cups her right breast in a titan's grip and ensnares me with her trance-like gaze from nearly 15 feet away.

At that point I knew...

That's exactly where I wanted to throw my money that night, hell who am I kidding, every night.

So, as I stood there at this alter to the beautiful goddess in front of me (also known as the stage), my one's in tightened fist's embrace, she began to dance. Slowly, and seductively, I was lured into her lusty world. I was floating away in the sea of her enchanting perfume while she danced to the rhythm my throbbing heart and falling dollar bills. She had me, I was hypnotized by her grace and agility, captivated by her magnetic choreography.

Then, before I knew it, she was butt booty naked, giving me a kiss and walking away with her purse full of scooped-up money. And that's when I realized where I was and what I was doing. Now don't get me wrong, I was having a blast, and trust me, that lady certainly worked her ass off for that money. But what I'm saying is I had totally forgot about her being a stripper and all the nasty things she does (professionally?), or that kiss on the cheek would've gotten a completely different response from me.

Yup.

If I had known she was the "kissing stripper" beforehand I would have more than likely kept my distance, but because I didn't, I found myself all up in her kissing range. And things like this happen all the time, usually having nothing to do at all with smoke-filled rooms and buxom ladies that grind away your inhibitions. This effect is what I like to call, The Slow Reveal.

There are some things in life that people simply will not fucking accept. Now if you make them believe that they are doing something completely different, it takes them that much longer to figure out that what they are doing is, in fact, not what they were doing at all. People who understand the true power of the slow reveal will use this to your detriment and most will never see it coming until it's too late.

Here is another example, once upon a time a guy was dating this girl. In the beginning, there were blowjobs. Blowjobs were practically raining from the sky they were so plentiful. And these blowjobs were magnificent, blowjobs before sex, blowjobs after sex, blowjobs just because, you know... the type of stuff legends are made of. Then, one day, without him noticing, he was only getting head before they had sex... sometimes. Then, he and this lady at some point became man and wife. And although they were having sex... sometimes, it seems like now he only gets head on big holidays and birthdays. Then one day, he rolls over to her in the bed and, bold as ever, asks, "honey, how come you never go down on me anymore?" She looks him dead in the face and says, "What the fuck? You're going on and on about me sucking your dick again? Suck your own dick, you bastard! GOD!!! I hate sucking your dick!!!"

See? Did he know he was with a woman who didn't like kissing trouser snakes? Did he know he was going to marry a woman that was completely anti-dick-licking? Can he suck his own dick? Nope. This man had no idea what he was getting into, no idea whatsoever. The Slow Reveal got him good.

Beware my friends, the Slow Reveal will bite you in the ass everytime. Or, if you're really unlucky, it'll bite you on the ass when you first meet it, and keep doing it until it feels like the time is right to tell you that it actually hates biting ass. And that if you really loved it, you would understand and accept it.