Saturday, July 30, 2011

Crazy New Yorkers

So today on my walk to school/ I mean work I wandered past some photos that were lying on the ground. Now, my first thought was to hurdle them like Jesse Owens in Nazi Germany. But instead, for reasons I have yet to find or comprehend, I chose to pick them up.

There weren't a whole lot of them, it was about 5 photos... maybe 6 at most. They looked like they were taken with one of those throwaway cameras, u know, the disposable ones. And by then, they weren't even really in the best of conditions, but I could still tell who was in them and what was going on. And as I stood there waiting for the bus, slowly flipping thru photos, I noticed that there was a story being told.

It was the story of a young woman. A young woman who had just graduated from college and decided to celebrate in the carribean.

She really likes Pina Coladas.

And she doesn't mind getting her hair wet as long as there's gonna be a good time behind it.

We're so much alike. I mean, she has friends, I have friends. She likes a good drink every now and then, so do I. We both wear hats sometimes...

Wow, we're practically soulmates.

I should start walking down her street, sometimes.


I'll just hang out around that corner for a few days. She's bound to come past me on her way to work/school/church/the liquor store (please be the liquor store), right? Yea, that's when I'll make my move...

See, she'll be walking down the sidewalk. I'll stop and tie my shoes. And as soon as she gets close enough I'll spring up "accidentally" running into her and spilling my groceries. She, being the sweet person she is, will offer to help me pick up my stuff.

I'll say something clever and she'll let out a slight giggle. Then, I'll say something funny... She'll laugh. It's a cute laugh, very genuine, inspiring even... That's when I'll compliment her on being nice enough to help me pick my stuff up and invite her over to my place, because I was just about to make dinner.


As I stood there, casually flipping thru someone else's memories. I thought about how creepy shit like this could never happen if some jerk would have just picked their shit up off the ground instead of leaving it there for half of new york to get all weird/kidnap-murder plotty with.

You know...

Unless they're into that kind of thing...

Sunday, July 17, 2011

A Sunday Message

Every so often.....a girl comes around that changes everything you believe in, makes you want to be a better person just for her and I am happy to say...that bitch still evades me. Instead, it has been a string of hook-ups, break-ins and break-ups that has led me to this conclusion.
You don't want me for me, you just want THE DICK.
That's right, THE DICK. Now, your probably saying to yourself: "Self, I already knew girls were running shit so what new light can you, Ricochet, shed on this topic?"

Nothing. The situation is what it is. But I would like to take this time out and dedicate this entry to my sistahs, hermanas and sisters (that's for the white girls) who are in control of their vaginas both mentally and physically. And seeing as it is Sunday, I think it would be especially nice to bless these women Beatitudes style.

And Ricochet hopped up on his soap box and asked "who among you still makes soap boxes?"And then he spoke these things, saying: 
Blessed are the poor in the dick: for theirs is the Ben and Jerry's and a vibrator.
Blessed are they that mourn over the dick: for they shall be comforted by bi-curiosity.
Blessed are the meek in the dick: for they be destined to inherit a good man, but will end up marrying down.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after the dick: for they shall be filled with STD's and multiple Maury Show appearances.
Blessed are the merciful over the dick: for they shall always be the fuck friend.
Blessed are the pure in the dick: for they have lied.
Blessed are the peacemakers over the dick: for they shall always be the DUFF to keep you away from making a great decision.
Blessed are they which are persecuted for the dick's sake: for hating bitches are going to hate.
And Blessed be Uncle Ben, the real black Jesus.

Thursday, July 14, 2011


Ever since I decided to move to Los Angeles, California,

I've been hit with the most repetitive questions since the "what are you going to do with your life?" series my senior year of college.

 "Do you have a place to live?" "Are you going to like the weather out there?" "Is weed really as legal as they it is?" And my answer to all is: only slightly...only slightly.

But I digress as usual, the point is, I am well aware that California is different than the Emipire State but is it really as different as people say it is? I'm not quite sure so if you please, I will delve into this HOT topic, only slightly, to better communicate similarities and differences between the East and West through my eyes.

If I lost some of you with the complex sentence, here it is in Laymans terms: I'ma break down the real East and West Coast...YAY-E-YEA-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!(S/O 2 Ice Cube)

BIGGEST Similarities:

Maybe some of you forgot this but Los Angeles is actually a huge city like NY. Just because it's sunny all the time doesn't mean people are always at the beach. A city is a city is a city. And once you get passed all the lights, camera and the flaming homosexual action in West Hollywood (which is pretty much the Village with a 'Walk of Fame') you see that if you can live in NY, you can run any town.

I haven't had a run in with the LAPD yet but I look forward to it. Firstly, because I don't do anything wrong that's considered wrong in California. Secondly, I want to see who is tougher. The NYPD and LAPD are the two most nigga hating, nigga aressting, nigga beating' cop forces on Earth. The Kenyan Police Department don't beat as many niggas as these two do. The point is, cops hate all niggas in big cities, and I doubt this will be much different.

The Gays (yes, I said the Gays, with a capital G)
There are only 2 places on Earth that Gay people are uncomfortable; in the south and in Church. Likewise, there are two places where Gay people can frolic (because Gay people frolic) and be free. These two places are LA and NY. I don't mind the Gays and their little Gay boots walking their little Gay dogs, they have a right to do every little gay thing they want. LA and NY just give them a larger license to do so because there are so many other weirdos that live in these places. One thing is for sure though, Gay people run these towns...or at least their little gay sections of it.


Not every city is created equal and neither are their transportation systems. Advantage to NY on this one. Although LA public transpo is cheaper and greener (all the busses are hybrids or making there way to be hybrids) NY runs all the time and from every location. Busses and subways are not the way to travel in LA unless you must (like I must seeing as I don't have a car). Either way, this is a huge downfall for LA.

Your Local Hispanics
NY is home to more Puerto Ricans than Puerto Rico. NY also includes a bunch of everybody else like Dominicans, Peruvians, Mexicans and everything else south of the border. Looking for Puerto Ricans in LA is like looking for rain in LA...everyone talks about it, but the majority of the people miss it, all the time. In fact, outside of whites and blacks, LA only has Mexicans and Asians. I know Asians aren't Hispanics but they own everything in LA like the Domincans do in NY.

The Weather
Ok, so I know this is obvious so I'll keep it short. But what is a NY nigga used to Timbs and snorkels come November going to do when it's 76 degrees outside on Christmas?

So how is a NY nigga gonna survive in LA you ask yourself, because we are built differently. Plus, I work 2 blocks away from the beach. I think I'll manage.