The Tale of Pretty Ricky Freestyle

Money over bitches... Bros before hoes... Kill or be killed...

Okay. That last one was kinda random and has nothing to do with the other two... Or does it???

A few weeks ago, I was chatting it up with Ricochet Grab It about women and friendships. Is one worth more than another?

RANDOM: I'm typing this on the street from my iPhone. A rather large white man has sat across from me sporting a confederate flag bandana and an "Obama for America" t-shirt. Excuse me if I seem distracted in this post...

Anyways, talking to Ric about this made me think of a dude I knew from back in the day. His name was Rick, ironically. Actually it was Ricky Hawthorn. But he used to rap, so we called him Ricky Freestyle. And Ricky Freestyle was a bit of a ladies man. One of them high-yella boys with the good hair. We started calling him Pretty Ricky Freestyle...

BACK TO RANDOM: Okay this white man with obviously conflicted politics (or a horrible stylist) has been staring at me for a long ass time and it's both pissing me off and scaring me.

Sorry bout that... Pretty Ricky Freestyle had a friend named Justin. Justin used to play football. A rather big kid. We used to call him... You know what, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that Justin was a huge mothafucka. So huge that he shoulda been adopted by a white family and made to play football at their alma mater...

Justin was a nice kid. Too nice. A ma'fucka his size shoulda been a jerk just because he could be. But he wasn't...

Justin and Pretty Ricky Freestyle were best friends. They grew up together. But it seemed like Justin did most of the growing. You see, Pretty Ricky Freestyle wasn't the tallest dude. In fact, behind his back, we used to call him...

No!!! Troo, you said you wouldn't do this anymore!

My bad. You right...

Justin and Pretty Ricky Freestyle were best friends. The closest. But one day, they realized that they fell for the same girl.

Oh wow. You mean just like R-Kelly and Usher did in that video they did together?

Yeah... Kinda. Except in this story, it doesn't end with them realizing that they fell for twins. And trust, when ma'fuckas find out that someone's talkin to/messing with/going after a chick they got strong feelings for...look out...

BACK TO RANDOM: What is dude doing??? He's like spinning or something and keeps touching shit... Oh damn. He's blind. My bad, dope fiends... Wow. I feel like an ass... But not really…

When Justin found out that Pretty Ricky Freestyle was flirting with Hyperbole (Yes. Her name was Hyperbole. Pronounced: Hy-Per-Bo-Lee) he was upset. Naturally. But being the nice guy that he was, Justin went to Pretty Ricky Freestyle and said that he saw Hyperbole first, and would appreciated it if Pretty Ricky Freestyle would back off. Pretty Ricky Freestyle was like, Suck my dick.

Justin was hurt. Devastated even. He went to his mom to cry, like the big bitch that he was and told her the whole story. She told him to go back and talk to Pretty Ricky Freestyle. It was probably a big misunderstanding.  :)

Justin went back to talk to Pretty Ricky Freestyle. But this time, he approached differently.   :(

You see, Justin didn’t want any more misunderstandings, so he spoke blunt. He was like, “Pretty Ricky Freestyle! Hyperbole is my woman! I need you to back off!”

Pretty Ricky Freestyle said, “Over my dead body!”

I sure do miss him…

So the moral of the story is… well actually I’m not sure. I don’t know how to wrap this up in a clever way. And also, there are a lot of lessons to be learned from this.

Pretty Ricky Freestyle obviously took his and Justin’s friendship for granted. He didn’t talk to Justin, and basically said fuck his feelings. MEN HAVE FEELINGS TOO. And even BIG MEN have feelings!

Justin shouldn’t have been a whining, bitch ass mommas boy. Just because a dude hurts your feelings doesn’t give you the right to kill him. Whoop his ass? Yes. But to end a man’s life? A little too far. Unnecessary, sir… Unnecessary.

And Hyperbole… Well she’s just a hoe. But she wasn’t wrong in this situation. Or was she???

In fact, Who do y’all think was wrong in this story? Who do you side with, dope fiends?

BACK TO RANDOM: Okay. The blind, white dude just said the N word 17 times… Yes. I counted. See! Told you I wasn’t an ass.